2004-11-07 - 5:00 p.m.

May.
I take solace in work. It helps me forget. I’m good at my job. It drowns out the subtle neuroses that plague my thoughts. I use work as an excuse not to get out. I love my job.

June.
I realize I have been taking my friends for granted. I start to mingle. My anxiety is subdued. I feel at home with my friends. I haven’t felt home in a while. I love my friends.

July.
I feel balanced. Work is no longer grueling. Friends are no longer overbearing. The self loathing has subsided. The rest of my life feels like it is falling into place.

August.
After a year I run into the man who broke my heart. I was surprisingly calm. I realized he was not the same, but he grasped at our past almost restlessly. I have mixed feelings.

September.
Sometimes you realize someone you have paid little attention to in the past sees you for who you really are. I found beauty where I never bothered to look for it.

October.
The current situation is complex. “Like the gun in my mouth, I know it’s wrong but I cant spit you out” There are more hearts on the line than I care to juggle. I feel careless. I hurt someone I adore. I am sorry.